In the normal course of events people grow up, get older, and eventually pass away. Sometimes a person can become very ill, or incapacitated, and eventually die, sometimes a person can die unexpectedly. Sometimes, someone just walks out of your life.

These are the facts of life, and everyone at some time, has to face up to the reality of being left alone.

Of course, most of us are lucky enough to have at least one other person in our life to help when this situation occurs. Family members, close friends and professionals such as doctors, counsellors etc all play a part in the recovery and moving on process.

I have often thought about this in regards to a D/s relationship – and about how i would cope should something happen to Master and He was no longer in my life.

That i would be devastated goes without saying – Along with my son, He is my world, my focus and my reason for existing on this earth.

How would i cope though, and what strategies could be put in place to help me to get through what would be one of the most traumatic events in my life?

i do have people in my life who care and would be supportive, i have my son and other relatives and close friends, but that is my vanilla world. The platitudes and sentiments expressed would be meaningful and comforting, but who could i turn to who would ‘really’ understand where my mind is and what i need to make my life work and my soul complete.

Who is there who would be able to give me the comfort, yet also the control, and the support yet also the structure i need in my days?

A submissive – especially one who has been living 24/7 - needs structure, and needs control and boundaries… when the Master is no longer around, who is there to give those things? 

Sometimes, formal arrangements are made between two Dominants where a commitment is made to care for the Other’s property should an unfortunate event occur.

It is sometimes known as being a “GodDom” and is very similar to that of a Godfather or Godparent in the vanilla world.

This carries a big responsibility for the Dom who makes such a commitment.

It means He/She must take care of the submissive who has been left alone – the emotional and physical wellbeing of the submissive must be looked after, as well as practical support if it is needed, such as a place to stay, and if the Dominant has passed away, assistance with any legal arrangements if necessary.

It is also the responsibility of the GodDom to take care of the submissive in the public sense as well, for example, placing her under His protection when she begins to venture out and about again. The Dominant may also help in guiding the submissive towards safe people to be with, and may also fill her needs with some play if it is appropriate.

It doesn’t mean that the chosen Dominant must enter into any kind of relationship with the submissive in His care, it just means that He must look out for her, and guide her in her choices, give her the structure and control she will need to get her through her day to day life.

In reality, it is the power exchange that she will need, and which the Dominant can provide.

On a personal note, my Master is a “GodDom” to one submissive – an arrangement that has been in place for some time now.

She knows that should she find herself in a position with no one to care for her, that Master would take on that role, and the responsibility of her welfare, for as long as is necessary.

Recently, Master and i have discussed who i would turn to for help if it was ever needed…. There are a couple of Dominants for whom i have the utmost respect, and i know should i ever need anything, it would be one of Them to whom i would turn. At this stage though there is no formal arrangement in place, more like an unspoken agreement.

But it is not only about being “left” alone due to a death – there are other circumstances which can have a devastating outcome on the life of a submissive.

What would happen for example, to a submissive who suddenly finds herself abandoned because her Dominant has decided he no longer wants this lifestyle? Where does that leave her?

Some submissives have a need for total control, almost micromanaged, in every single aspect of their lives, so if suddenly there was no one to give the control, no one to give the orders and make the decisions – how does that submissive come to terms with having to be responsible for her own life.

There are many submissives who are strong and independent individuals, perhaps with a responsible high powered job, or a in a position of authority, or maybe just a person who has been a single parent, run a business, and been in control until she or he found D/s.

These people – i believe – would be okay, though there would be that element of “something missing” they would survive after an initial period of disbelief and shock.

However there are those who simply wouldn’t know what to do, and it is those who need the support network within the lifestyle.

There is another situation that warrants discussion here too. At times in our lives, circumstances change and perhaps we are incapacitated through accidents or illnesses, and we need to be taken care of.

In this event, there has to be a role reversal, where the Dominant has to take on the responsibilities of the submissive, as well as continuing to be the master decision maker.

Master and i have recently coped with this very situation – having had surgery and coping with 8 weeks of plaster and crutches – i have not been able to fulfil my submissive duties or needs.

For me this has been a terribly trying and frustrating time. I cannot serve His tea, cannot make His meals, cannot clean His house or do the other associated tasks that are mine.

The structure and order in my days has not been there, and Master has had to employ other strategies to help me through.

The main one has been for me to say my Mantra each morning and evening, though i cannot kneel on the floor and kiss His feet, i can sit and say it while He stands in front of me, and i can kiss His hand when it is offered. This helps with my head space.

I normally wear my house collar each day, but have had to only wear it on certain occasions as it is very restricting when moving on crutches ( it sounds strange but it is true) This has been hard, but daily reminders of who and what i am have helped.

Master has also been reminding me every day that my job, my task, is to get better, and that is what i must concentrate on.

I think the hardest thing has been to relinquish my duties to others – it is amazing how protective i have become over my own jobs – it irritates me to see another submissive taking on my tasks, and serving Master instead of me.

I am thankful though, that there are others to come and help, and who are capable of doing so, as it eases Master’s burden at this time, but i am counting the days until i can resume my place in His life.

The other situation that can occur, and is probably more difficult to deal with, is if the Dominant becomes sick or incapacitated, which again means a role reversal for the submissive to take on a more dominant role.

There may be medication to take, appointments to keep, and perhaps the Dominant may even be incapable of doing even the most simple of tasks.

How do you tell your Master what to do???

It is no easy task and on the very rare occasion i have been in this position, i have coped by almost resuming the “single parent status” – it becomes easier to be bossy if you can revert to that mindset….. not that you are treating your Dom as a child, just that you are “in charge”.

I think almost every submissive would cope, but would breathe a sigh of relief when the situation reverts to normal again.

Of course there could be the awful situation where the Dominant is permanently incapacitated – which is unthinkable but can happen…. After all we are all human beings, and being in the D/s lifestyle does not exclude anyone from anything.

When this happens, i believe there would have to be a huge re-structuring of the D/s relationship. It would be important for the Dom to retain His sense of being in control if that is possible.  Strategies similar to my Mantra would need to be introduced to help remind the Dominant of who and what He is in the life of the sub.

I believe, should i ever be faced with this, that i would do my best to always ask for a decision, and include the Dom in everything where possible – even the simple things like what to eat for a meal – it is a decision and if made by the Dom, reinforces the mindset of being in charge.

In conclusion then, change can happen when we least expect it, but by forward thinking and employing some plans for “what if” much heartache can be avoided.

Not really that much different to a vanilla relationship where we all try to ensure the future of our loved ones will be a secure and happy one if we are no longer around or capable of caring for them.

© kim (MJ) 2007