This is my journey, where i started and how i came to be where i am now. 

I have always, since i was a small girl, fantasised about spanking, about being spanked hard and about being restrained while being spanked.

In reality, when i was growing up, i was spanked occasionally – though i was often very naughty…..

I tried in both of my marriages to introduce spanking or some kind of kinky play into our sex life, but it was useless, my first husband wanted me to spank him and that just reduced me to a fit of giggles… which of course offended him, and in hindsight that was really insensitive of me.

My second husband, i recognise now was a submissive man, i did once get him to tie me to the bed, but the ropes were so loose i could take them off.

He did it that way so that he wouldn’t hurt me and i could get out if i wanted to.

He used to “swat” my bottom if i walked past him but that was in fun and i could never ever get him to be serious about it. He and i are extremely good friends now, but he still does not understand my need to be spanked, or how MJ can do that to me.

In 2003 when it looked as if my second marriage was beginning to crumble, i began to search the net, looking for “spanking”, i didn’t know if i would do anything about it, but i wanted to see what was out there.

I found a whole new world, not only spanking but being restrained, blindfolds, gags, ropes, chains, all the things in my fantasies, and much more besides.

I’d never seen a flogger, though i knew about convicts being flogged, and whipped, but here in my searches there were real every day people doing these things and so much more.

People with big knives at their throats, people with hot candle wax dripped across their bodies, people tied to crosses and benches, being spanked, whipped, paddled, all sorts of things. I was fascinated, but terrified.

I stumbled upon Alt.com, in the days when it was free for women to contact people, and what a can of worms i opened up for myself…

Being so new to everything and so raw, i took most of the messages at face value, believed what these people said to me…and gave almost everyone my email address. After a couple of months i began to realise that most of them were just after sex, and if it meant spanking me, then so be it.. i didn’t meet any of them in the beginning, i was still cautious enough to realise that would be a dangerous thing, and at that point i was still married anyway, (though we were living in separate houses and it ended soon after that.)

I struck up two online friendships – Fred and Barney for want of better names…

Fred definitely wanted to spank me, he promised me that i would love it, and that he was good at it. Barney offered me more than just spanking, he offered me D/s told me that he was an experienced teacher and that he had owned several submissives, for that is what i was of course – he said.

I finally plucked up enough courage to agree to meet Fred, but i realise now, it was stupid to let him come to my own home, however i was anxious to see what would happen and i trusted my own instincts.

So Fred came to my house, and he did spank me, over his knee as i had hoped, and it felt great, though i realise now there was no warm up, no talk of limits or safety issues or any health issues i may have had.

And then – he wanted to finish it with sex, and on top of that, i was supposed to call him daddy…….

That spoilt it completely for me, this fantasy of mine did not include my father… though Fred told me that all women who want to be spanked have fantasies about their fathers……

He rang me constantly, late at night, wanting me to agree to go to his home, where he could spank me for longer and more than once.. the lure of the spanking was too great to resist and so, i did it. It was a mistake that i did not repeat – the daddy element was still there and the sex element was still there too, i gave in reluctantly, but when he wanted me to make comments about daddy making his little girl happy, that really was the end of it for me.

I did not see Fred again despite his efforts and in the end had to tell him to stop harassing me.

So next was Barney, with whom i had struck up some kind of rapport, and he had tickled my curiosity about D/s and BDSM as well, encouraging me to read and learn a little more before we met.

To be honest, i was impressed with his method of making me feel at ease, though when i did finally consent to meet him, i was terrified…

I followed his instructions to the letter though, even to the point of not making eye contact when i got off the train, following two steps behind him to the car, not saying a word….

He took me to his place, again there was no talk of safety, no safe calls, no safe word, but he knew what i was looking for.

That first day my emotions were in tatters and i was confused when i left there. He had tied me up, spanked me, and whipped me too, i wasn’t sure about that, but accepted it – even though it hurt.

I realise now there was no aftercare, there was no thought as to how i was coping… but at the time i did not know that.

That day was the start of a confusing 8 months for me. Barney wanted me as his sub, i thought i had found heaven.

Two weeks later i went again, and learnt a little more at Barney’s so called experienced hands.. then a week later came the phone call – he didn’t want me anymore, i was to look for another… i was sad but i accepted it, and began another search confident that i knew a little more now.. along came Dino.

Dino, was an interesting character, he had an ego the size of Texas, and lived in another state though a move was in the wings.

Dino sucked me in completely and after little discussion i travelled interstate to spend a weekend with him.

Again no safe calls, no telling anyone where i went, but trusting that i would be okay – and i was.

Dino thought i was an uncontrollable brat – but i had fast learned that if i wanted to be spanked, all i had to do was misbehave!

Dino liked me and i liked him, but Dino also liked about 3 other girls as well, and though he fed me the line that i would be the number one in his life, he was arrogant enough to introduce me to one of the others, she and i became friends and found that we had been fed the same line.

In the meantime, Barney decided he wanted me back, and Dino was not going to have me… this became the pattern for Barney, he would tell me i was his and then tell me he didn’t want me, and to look for someone else, i would do that, and then of course, Barney wouldn’t like that and reel me back in.

Dino got dumped in the end, though he did do me one favour and that was to introduce me to his latest sub, and she and i became close friends, and it was actually through her that i met MJ, who is now my Master.

During my on and off time with Barney, i had a couple of other encounters with other Dominants, and i had some bad experiences, which can happen when you are not aware enough of what is safe and what isn’t, what is right and what is wrong.

Barney himself injured me at least once, not only striking me in an unsafe area, but also doing it when he was angry – but all along i still thought this was “it”.

It was an emotional roller coaster ride, and i spent many hours crying and not understanding my feelings, and not understanding how he could want me one week and then not want me the next, and only want me back when someone else loomed up.  How could he tell me i was collared to him and then tell me i wasn’t.

During that time i met MJ, Barney took me to MJ’s house as i wanted to get a piercing done and he was recommended as being one of the best.

The attraction between us at the moment of meeting was incredible, i had no idea how to cope with it, i wasn’t meant to feel that way, i had my “master” already… wanting to go and kneel at someone else’s feet was all wrong!

MJ kept in touch with me, because of the piercing, following up on how it was healing.. we seemed to have a lot in common and it was so obvious to me that he knew a lot about BDSM ( at that stage i had no idea who Master Joe was!)

Barney was pushing me away again, and MJ listened to my heart breaking over the phone, hours of talking and listening, but never ever pushing me to end it, just waiting until i came to my own senses.

Finally i did it, the last straw for me was a task that i had completed for Barney, and the reward was supposed to be a collaring and a contract, an understanding that it was to be more permanent… i didn’t get what i had been promised, but i did get a lecture about a new person entering the already complicated arrangement, and that she would be seeing more of him than me, and would sleep in his bed and wear the collar he bought for me……

I ended it……. I was distraught, but i had learnt a few things along the way, and i decided to be more wary of anyone new…

In the meantime, through all of that, my sub friend and i had become very close, and she knew lots about MJ – his reputation(chew subbies up and spit them out!) and his standing within the Scene..(well known and well respected by most)

So when i got invited to have lunch and “a little play” with Master Joe, she was excited and horrified all at once……. And so curious!

That was August 2004, and that one lunch invite turned into another invite, and then an invite to a private party and so on.

It became obvious that it was going to get serious, and it did, though i had a lot of learning to do, and i knew nothing about how D/s really worked and how things should be between a Dom and a sub…

I spent many months commuting from Ballarat on a Friday and returning on the Monday, then the Tuesday, and then eventually i moved in, and during that time i learnt a lot, i had a lot of new things to adjust to, and had to come to terms with the fact that i belonged to someone and therefore had to fit into His world, not the other way around.

I went from a protection collar, to a full collar and then finally in January 2006, a full formal collaring ceremony, in which i pledged my life to my Master and He in return pledged His to me.

I look back at my journey, and realise how far i have come from those early tentative steps into this way of life.

I am now confident in my role as Master Joe’s girl, i share Him with other submissives in the family, i relish my place in His life, and the support i have received from Him is comparable to no other.

With His encouragement, i have pursued my love of writing, i am a published author, and in turn i have learnt so much that i am now able to offer advice and counsel to other new submissives, even though i am still relatively new myself.

I believe i have helped Master to achieve some of His dreams also, the success of our BDSM club “Chains” has outweighed anything we had dreamed of, and the continuing growth of MJ’s ToyBox is proving to be what we had hoped for.

I have more friends than ever in my life before, i am happy, contented and i know that my life is complete.

And my journey with Him continues ….

There are still new things to learn and new experiences to be had, i still have a huge thirst for knowledge, and a burning deep within me to write about what i learn, and the people i meet along the way.

My submission no longer scares me, my needs no longer seem strange, and the depth of my commitment to Master knows no boundaries.

i am a submissive and i am free.

© kim (MJ) 2008